Relax!

"Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometimes, I will try to get a better perspective of my life"

We all need to learn to take time for ourselves and focus on us. Previously I focused on the importance of being selfish sometimes. If there is one thing I recently learned, it is that I cannot take care of anyone else no matter how much effort I put in. At the end of the day, other people need to take care of themselves, because when you're rushing around fixing everyone else, who is there helping you?

Also, note the Just for today prayer says "I will try to get a better perspective of my life."

Not your addicts life, not how to fix them, or make them change their mind about their ways, but focus on how you can help yourself in the situation you are in. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made in my life. If I just relax I can do so much more than if I am manically running around and stressed. Yes, Alcoholics make us stressed out, and yes it is true that we spend more time worried about them then we do about our selves, but don't you think it is time that this changed?

You deserve all the happiness in the world!

Love, 

Anonymous

Codependency

In two words: Not Good

If we live with an addict is is easy to become codependent. You can become controlling, bossy, withdrawn from feelings the list goes on... but how can we break away from it? It is almost inevitable to become this way you're living with an addict, so how do you stop it?

A few years ago I started dating someone that was clearly not right for me. It was obvious he had a problem, but I saw straight past it and didn't give it a second thought (I also thought I could fix him, and that was hardly going to work was it?) Little did I know I was becoming codependent on people with additions, because being with someone battling something so strong was all I knew. When I found out what he actually was doing, and ended the relationship right away, I wasn't sad about loosing him, I was more upset that he was one more person that I failed at fixing (which in retrospect, that's pretty sick) I can't be dependent on other persons addiction to give me self worth, and I can't think any less of myself because I didn't manage to bring someone out of their addiction, or for that matter control the situation. 

Last but not least, I only tried to fix this person, and my qualifier as well, because I wanted to be thanked for something. No matter what I did I never got any recognition and that made me upset. The more I think about it, I would rather had not even tried, because at the end of the day it wasn't worth the struggle and nothing good came from it, but feeling more down on myself for not being able to fix them. 

All my love,

Anonymous

P.S For those of you who celebrate, Happy Easter x

YOU didn't set it off

I know in my own experience, I was really concerned with my behavior setting off my qualifier. I was worried that every word I said, every thing I did would end up resulting in a battle against the booze. I used to tiptoe, be so careful where I tread, in case I broke through thin ice and started something I wish I hadn't of. Then I grew up, and realized that hey, in fact, nothing I did or didn't do was going to keep my addict from doing what they wanted. No matter if I started an argument, told them how I really felt, did something wrong, it was never my fault, and it was unfair to blame myself. 

We can't walk through life so carefully. Sometimes we mess up and do silly things, but we always have to remember that when an addict drinks/drugs or does whatever, it is nothing that we did to make them do it. Manipulation can be a very strong thing, and if we are careful to realize and see around us what is going on, we can easily blame ourselves and ruin our own opinion of ourselves because we think we did something wrong. If someone wants to drink they will, it is just easier to blame a loved one rather than them seeking the truth for themselves. 

A few weeks ago I mentioned the 3 C's, and if I wasn't so afraid of needles I would probably get this tattooed because it is SO important to remind yourself of this everyday. When you wake up in the morning say the following:

"I did not cause my qualifier to (         ) I cannot control them and I cannot cure them. I am my own person, and not responsible for what they want to do with their own life. I need to detach lovingly, that way helping them to learn as well as being selfish and helping myself."

Don't forget you are not to blame! It's so easy to make yourself sick worrying and blaming yourself, but when you realize you did not set off the problem, and you are just being used as an excuse to cover up something else, then you can let go and take one day at a time working on YOU! 

Love always, 

Anonymous 

Goodbye Negativity!

Sometimes when people are drunk they say things.  Sometimes it can be really mean things that really upset us and make us think worse of ourselves. Sometimes, they don't even have to be drunk (so much worse!!) Something I have to constantly remind myself is that, in fact, NONE OF IT IS TRUE! That took me ages to figure out. When people say negative things about me, I simply have to ignore it. By letting it get to you and upset you, it harms not helps. 

I was on twitter and found the following (and instantly fell in love with it). It may not be applicable exactly to your situation, but it is a very good thing to keep in mind, especially, I've found, when people always question you about your circumstance:

"Love me? Great. Hate me? Even better. Think I'm ugly? Don't look at me. Don't know me? Don't judge me. Think you know me? You have no idea."

When I was in school, people used to ask me why I was this, why I was that, and it got really frustrating! I couldn't exactly say to everyone "Listen, I live with an addict and that is why I am the way I am so back off"... and then I'd get people just being horrible because they didn't understand. The only people I felt comfortable with were the people I knew were experiencing the same as me. No judgements. No questions. Just there. 

Never let people make your feel differently about yourself. You can't let negative words ruin your life.. You need to keep positive! Don't let an addicts life make you negative about yourself either. This is your time to step out break away from all the negative thoughts, spoken to you by addicts and non-addicts alike. 

Love,

Anonymous

Defined by Alcoholism

Why do we let our past experiences label who we are? For a long time I have believed I would forever labeled the daughter of an alcoholic. How wrong I am! It has taken years but I have started to realize that I am my own person and I cannot let past experiences have a hold on who I am today. Don’t let circumstance define you.

As you may know from your own experiences I have lived with self-doubt and confidence issues. I think it is inevitable given the circumstance, however I cannot let it take control of me! There comes a time where we need to leave out past in the past and work on today and know our tomorrows will be better. Slowly I am working on my issues and becoming a more confident person in myself, something I encourage you to do if you are struggling with this issue as well. When you learn to let go of that ‘stuff’ and you let yourself shine it’s amazing how much better you will feel, and people will notice!

Don’t let yourself be labeled as a child or a parent or a spouse, or a friend/sibling of an alcoholic but rather be YOU. Have the courage to change you for the better… I promise you won’t be disappointed!!

Love,

Anonymous

Here's a story

My qualifier had been clean for awhile before their slip. When I first found out, I was devastated. When I saw it for myself, I was even worse. I think it was so much easier for me to hear about it over the phone, rather then be faced with the problem head on. It brought me back to all of those problems I thought were over and done with. 

What this taught me most, was that we never escape this disease! Ever! I thought years later I was done dealing with all that cr@p when really.. I can't escape it! That is why, I cannot stress enough the importance of having a support group. I used to get SO embarrassed by my situation. I used to lie to people, pretend it wasn't happening, or make excuses for behavior I shouldn't have been excusing. By getting so embarrassed, it took me some time to want to open up to people. I kept thinking "They are going to think my situation is so weird, or that my family is really messed up or that I'm overreacting and making it a bigger deal than it is.. or what if I'm the only one dealing with this" over and over I thought this. Then, I got the courage to open up, to tell people and to be honest. That support I had and continue to have means the absolute world to me, because it is those people who sat with me, cried with me and helped me get through the hard times. 

This time, when my qualifier slipped, I had no problem getting on the phone, and I didn't let my pride get the best of me. I realized that even though I don't like it, I am always going to be dealing with this, whether with my qualifier or another one, and that I have to learn to lean on people and ask people for help when needed. 

Never be embarrassed. Always ask for support or just a shoulder to lean on in the tough times. 

You can always email me at wisdomtoknowthedifference2011@gmail.com if you need to vent and write out your feelings. 

Love you lots! 

Anonymous 

Just for Today-- Be Happy!!

Abraham Lincoln "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be"

It can be so easy to let our situation get the better of us, and so easy to let it bring us down. We have to do ourself a favor and not let that happen! This week, I have had many things to be annoyed or upset about, and for a while, I was, until I remembered that if I just make myself happy, despite the tough situation I'm faced with, it will all be OK. 

Some people say that happiness is in fact overrated. I don't believe this. I believe we owe it to ourselves to be happy and to love life no matter the consequences. I spent a lot of time in the past being upset, crying and for what? I just ended up more upset and went through more boxes of tissues for a disease I could do nothing about. If I had just looked after myself FIRST before even considering worrying about things I'd find out I had no control over anyway I would have saved a lot of agony.

Recently, my qualifier has a slip. Did I get a bit teary? Of course. Did I spend all day crying and feeling sorry for myself (something a few years ago I would have done?) No. I shook it off, realized I was my own person, my happiness was what was important and I moved on with my day. Harsh? Maybe. But what's worse? Making yourself miserable and ruining your day over something you have no say in, or moving on with your day and seeing the the good out of a bad situation. I personally would go with the second option :)

Find the little things in life that make you happy. For example, when I walk through the park, and I'm feeling a bit down, I look at the birds, the ducks, the sky, the flowers blooming and listen to nature and realize that life really is not all that bad. I thank my higher power for the day, for my support group and for my family.
Just for today, find joy and comfort in the little things, and try to make yourself happier. Like Lincoln said, if you tell your mind you will be happy no matter the circumstance, then so be it!!

All the love in the world, 

Anonymous

Step One

'We admitted we were powerless against alcohol- that our lives have become unmanageable" 

The first step to your recovery as a family member, or friend of an alcoholic is to admit that you are struggling and that no matter how hard you try you remain powerless against alcohol. This is important for the addict to realize, but equally important for yourself as well. 

Sometimes we just need to realize that we can never win. I have heard stories for addicts being clean for 30+ years and then falling back into it again. As people living with addicts, we need to realize that no matter how much we try, we can't cure (think of the 3 C's!) because we'll never be able to beat the drug, no matter what it will always win. All we can do is support (detach lovingly) and accept. Like I've said before, sometimes, it is OK to be selfish. 

Love, 

Anonymous