I know in my own experience, I was really concerned with my behavior setting off my qualifier. I was worried that every word I said, every thing I did would end up resulting in a battle against the booze. I used to tiptoe, be so careful where I tread, in case I broke through thin ice and started something I wish I hadn't of. Then I grew up, and realized that hey, in fact, nothing I did or didn't do was going to keep my addict from doing what they wanted. No matter if I started an argument, told them how I really felt, did something wrong, it was never my fault, and it was unfair to blame myself.
We can't walk through life so carefully. Sometimes we mess up and do silly things, but we always have to remember that when an addict drinks/drugs or does whatever, it is nothing that we did to make them do it. Manipulation can be a very strong thing, and if we are careful to realize and see around us what is going on, we can easily blame ourselves and ruin our own opinion of ourselves because we think we did something wrong. If someone wants to drink they will, it is just easier to blame a loved one rather than them seeking the truth for themselves.
A few weeks ago I mentioned the 3 C's, and if I wasn't so afraid of needles I would probably get this tattooed because it is SO important to remind yourself of this everyday. When you wake up in the morning say the following:
"I did not cause my qualifier to ( ) I cannot control them and I cannot cure them. I am my own person, and not responsible for what they want to do with their own life. I need to detach lovingly, that way helping them to learn as well as being selfish and helping myself."
Don't forget you are not to blame! It's so easy to make yourself sick worrying and blaming yourself, but when you realize you did not set off the problem, and you are just being used as an excuse to cover up something else, then you can let go and take one day at a time working on YOU!
Love always,
Anonymous
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