Manipulation

Definition: The Art of Manipulating 

(thanks dictionary, thats a big help)

So, I'm pretty used to be manipulated, which is a sad thing to admit. Recently I got in an argument with my qualifier, and was told that I don't ever ask them how they are doing. I'm sorry.. WHAT?! I know you are probably relating this to your own situation and thinking the same exact thing. Since when does babying your addict supposed to be your JOB!? I spent years and I finally put my foot down and said enough is enough... I mean, thats nuts, and the best part.. this was a sober conversation (which for me is almost worse)! 

A long time ago I decided I was not going to be manipulated and was not going to made to feel bad for something that had nothing to do with me. I won't lie and said I decided this in a day, because years later I am still dealing with it, but one day at a time remember that you are not responsible for someone's issues. 

My steps to not being manipulated:

- Say No, No, No and No

- Detach lovingly 

- Don't give in

- Remind them that they are not your employer, it is not your responsibility 

- Tell yourself you are the most important thing (sometimes it's good to be a little selfish)

Love, 

Anonymous 

Encouragement for Today

I just read this in one of my favorite books 'Courage to Change' and todays reading really speaks to me, and I would like to share it with you:

Page 89: March 29

"It's time I started being nice to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough do not speak the truth;t they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results form living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen! Al-Anon recovery has give me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish. Today's Reminder: Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly."

Hope this encourages you, and with that,

All my Love,

Anonymous 

Stand Up!!

I am in the middle of learning a huge lesson about myself, and I wanted to share it with all of you. As those who have lived with an addict will know what I'm talking about in a second. 

There is someone I have to be very blunt with, but, because of my self confidence issues from the past, I am unable to be straight up, and I'm not doing myself any favors. When I was younger and I used to try and resolve a conflict (I am a very non-confrontational person) I just let the other person walk all over me, and it's not fair to me who goes through the pain, and the other person for not being open and honest. How can we expect people to know how we are feeling without telling them?

So, the lesson I am learning is how to stand up for yourself... how do you do it? I sometimes think that I'm a mean person for doing it, and time and time again I remind myself that is not the case, the only person I'm being mean too is myself. 

When someone needs to be spoken too, or when you need to resolve something, how do you let past behaviors affect your future decisions? When I was younger and living with my addict, it was so easy for me to just sit back and not stand up for myself, and now that I am older, I am seeing how much of a problem this is. If I can encourage you with one thing, it would to be break that habit. Know there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, and nothing wrong with telling people how you really feel, and you won't get punished for it either. 

Lots of love, 
Anonymous 

Some Food for Thought

A reminder from 'Courage to Change' (P 83)
"They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then more on, leaving the pain behind me." 
Don't forget it!
Love, 
Anonymous 

Hardships of Love

Love can be a very touchy subject.

A friend today asked me if I still loved my mum. I think I spent so much time resenting her behavior (not her, her behavior.. important!) that I never really took much time to tell her I loved her. Of course she knows I do, but after recent events, I don't think I have made it as clear as I should have, and that might be something I regret. 

Do you have this problem sometimes? It can be so hard, and frustrating and confusing so love someone that frankly makes your life a living hell. Besides the obvious "She's my mum, I'll always love her" I really do love her from the bottom of my heart. She had a hard time growing up, things are going on her life that I know nothing about, but no matter what, I am always going to love her.

That goes hand in hand with my recent post on detachment, and how to do so lovingly. Lately, I have had to totally detach, something that breaks my heart, but there is nothing I can do that will benefit both of us, and no matter how hard for me, I need to help her by leaving her figure it out on her own, while still letting her know how much I love her. 

This is not the hardest part however. The hardest part is learning to love yourself, to not blame yourself, and to learn that you deserve all the love in the world no matter your circumstance. And, sometimes, by loving others, we learn to love and treat ourselves well. 

Keep on loving, and most importantly, love yourself. 

All MY love,

Anonymous

Reconcile

Do you find this as hard as I do?

My qualifier has gotten her act together (again) and thinks things should just go back to normal. So, since speaking with her, she has mentioned nothing about her fallback, and goes along acting like everything is OK. Well it's not!! It's almost as though we always have to spell it out for people. Yes, I forgive you, and Yes 'XYZ' but that does not mean I can just go on and pretend like nothing happened.

So we continued our phone conversation, I'm prolonging it as much as possible just for that glint of hope that she will mention something. Not. One. Thing. So imagine how mad I am? And then I get accused to being moody and it's just a fight waiting to happen.

Is it so much to ask that I just want some closure? That I just want her to admit that she has hurt me. Well, in the case of alcoholism, of course it is.

I hope that whatever type of reconciliation you are trying to accomplish is not proving to be impossible. Sometimes we just can't move on if we don't hear it from the other side. I'm just learning now, that I might never not hear it, and I have to be OK with it.

Love,

Anonymous

Everybody's Bruising

As I looked around today, I noticed, so many people are heartbroken. So many people are going through hard times, and feel like no one around gets them.

Most of high school I went around feeling so alone (then again, don't most young people?) But being a child, or a friend of an addict, places such an unfair burden. I spent a lot of taking care of my alcoholic parent, which I didn't mind doing, because I loved her and she means the world to me. However, I did not realize what that was doing to me, how taking care of her was taking away from my own recovery. The one thing I learned that really matters is that you need to take care of YOU first, something a good friend beat into my head until finally, years later I got the hang of it.

I also learned, that it is OK to walk away from situations, if your best interest is not in it, don't go there! Don't hurt yourself in the end based on someone elses behavior, it is simply not worth all the hurt!

So today, think about this. Everyone is hurting, but you can stop that pattern by letting yourself not get hurt.. do not try to fix an addict as you cannot do it. Do not try to make sense of the disease, because you will drive yourself crazy. Just step away from the problem.. detaching LOVINGLY and life will be so much easier to handle.

Keep on going through life, if you are in any way blaming yourself, chances are you are being too hard on yourself. Take a step back, take a break, relax and get back to taking care of you, not other peoples needs. Today, I encourage you to make yourself your first and only priority.

All the love in the world,

Anonymous

P.S I can't credit for that title unfortunately because it is absolutely brilliant. The thanks can go to Jessie J (please, listen to the lyrics of this song, I won't go as far as saying it changed my life, but pretty darn close)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmVIiFTQYuM&feature=related

Just for today

I have this bookmark titled 'Just for today' and something that stuck out to me was 'Just for today I will be unafraid... I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me'

Life sucks sometimes. Really, I won't sugar coat it. Something that always stuck with me was an interview Jennifer Aniston had after splitting with her husband where she said "Life is tough, get a helmet." (I'm still looking for a helmet that is durable enough..!) Life can be cruel and unfair, but can also be beautiful and supportive. Sometimes when I am mad at my circumstance, and thinking that my life is totally unfair and repeating over and over 'Why me...' I sometimes just need to look around to see how lucky I truly am. 

Yes, I have had a bad past, yes some things in my life have made it difficult to move on from that comfortable feeling of pity and upset, but life is good. I encourage you to look at the grand scheme of things and put things into perspective. Yes, life is tough, God only knows I know that all too well, but, once I step back and look to my surroundings, the friends in my life, my support groups, my family and the good things I have going for me, I'm able to get through a lot more if I had not taken a step back. 

Today I had an awful day, but once I took that step back, just for today (that moment even) I was able to appreciate the good things in my life, and I know that things, will work out one way or another. Just for today, I encourage you to look at all the positive things in your life, and not to let the negative affect you and make you afraid.. of anything. 

Love,

Anonymous

Detachment

de·tach·ment

To detach from something is to no longer be involved. When we say- "I need to detach from an Alcoholic" What does that actually mean? The following quote is taken from 'Courage to Change' (p.72) which further explains this concept:

"Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do,say,or feel to determine my own well-being or make my own decisions" 

This is one of that hardest things for me to grasp. Attempting to detach from a situation while still loving them is even harder. Many say, that detaching means that you no longer love the person you are detaching from. This is simply incorrect. You in fact can detach from someone with love, but instead of trying to blame yourself,and fix the problem yourself, and essentially base your entire life around this addiction, you leave it to the addict to fix the problem, and you continue to love and support from a distance, without doing yourself any harm. 

Recently, I have been challenged by this concept. If I tell someone I'm not going to help fix them, but instead lovingly detach and let them figure it out--does that make me a bad person? Certainly not!! If anything I am saving myself from further hurt and anger down the road. At the end of the day, if the person wants to drink or drug they will. Once we learn that there is nothing we can do, we can lovingly detach and continue to support but stop trying to cure, and while doing that, we in turn can turn the focus onto our lives.

In a program I was involved in we learned the value and importance of the 3 C's:

I did not cause it

I cannot control it

And I cannot cure it

Next time you are in a situation where you feel almost obligated to pull your loved one out of their addiction, remember the 3 C's. Just because you detach does not mean you do not love them any less, it just means you have realized the importance of taking care of yourself and your feelings. Don't let the rest of your life be determined by this problem, but instead use it to grow. 

Love,

Anonymous 

Never Alone

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

If you are reading this, perhaps you have reached the end of your rope. Perhaps, there is someone in your life that is struggling with an addiction, and, now you too are feeling the effects. Trust me when I say this, you are not alone. 

I am not a Doctor, Therapist or Psychologist, nor have I extensively studied addictions, or even began to wrap my head around them. However, I am a real person that has lived through life with an addict. I have been where you have been, at times in my life I have feel let down, hurt, backstabbed, abandoned, neglected, abused, guilty, pathetic, unloved and unwanted. I know what it's like to try so hard to cure someone, and to get it thrown in your face all the time. I also know that there are times where we feel as though no one understands how we are feeling, how could anyone truly know, but-- if there is something we who experience this all share, it's similar feelings. 

My story might be similar to yours, or it might be completely different. I grew up in a household with an Alcoholic. I cannot count the amount of times I tried to reason, I tried to 'preach' and I tried to convince. I cannot count the amount of times I cried, or the amount of times I felt betrayed. I love my Mother with all my being, a kind and loving woman. I think the most important thing we have to realize is the person who is under the influence of drugs and alcohol, is not the same person we know to be, which is probably the hardest thing of all to accept, I know I could never accept that until recently. I have gone through hell and back, watched my family disintegrate, only to watch it mend itself and then break again. I have moved, lived out of a suitcase and felt terribly alone, even with loving people supporting me. What helped me most was reaching out. Talking to people who were going through similar things and sharing experiences. Through hearing other people, and reading other peoples stories, I have realized I am not alone, that I do not need to go at this alone and that there are many people going through the same thing who can encourage me, and for me to do the same.

Throughout this blog, I will share my experiences and hopes. I do this in hopes that you will find something to help you and make you feel better. 

And do not forget- you are never alone. No matter your circumstance, you are never alone. 

Love, 

Anonymous