To detach from something is to no longer be involved. When we say- "I need to detach from an Alcoholic" What does that actually mean? The following quote is taken from 'Courage to Change' (p.72) which further explains this concept:
"Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do,say,or feel to determine my own well-being or make my own decisions"
This is one of that hardest things for me to grasp. Attempting to detach from a situation while still loving them is even harder. Many say, that detaching means that you no longer love the person you are detaching from. This is simply incorrect. You in fact can detach from someone with love, but instead of trying to blame yourself,and fix the problem yourself, and essentially base your entire life around this addiction, you leave it to the addict to fix the problem, and you continue to love and support from a distance, without doing yourself any harm.
Recently, I have been challenged by this concept. If I tell someone I'm not going to help fix them, but instead lovingly detach and let them figure it out--does that make me a bad person? Certainly not!! If anything I am saving myself from further hurt and anger down the road. At the end of the day, if the person wants to drink or drug they will. Once we learn that there is nothing we can do, we can lovingly detach and continue to support but stop trying to cure, and while doing that, we in turn can turn the focus onto our lives.
In a program I was involved in we learned the value and importance of the 3 C's:
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
And I cannot cure it
Next time you are in a situation where you feel almost obligated to pull your loved one out of their addiction, remember the 3 C's. Just because you detach does not mean you do not love them any less, it just means you have realized the importance of taking care of yourself and your feelings. Don't let the rest of your life be determined by this problem, but instead use it to grow.
Love,
Anonymous
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