Love ourselves

Question to ask yourself today.

Why do we let people and/or circumstances define us?

I know why... Because it is easy.

My challenge to myself this week was to not let people define me or circumstance. Today our qualifier may be doing well... Tomorrow, they might not be. We shouldn't be revolving our feelings and mood around the qualifier and their merry go round behaviour. We must break the cycle ourselves! If we are sincere with ourselves and stick to who we are (and that doesn't mean 'The _______ of an Alcoholic or drug addict') then it is easier to be ourselves and to love ourselves.

If we can't love ourselves, how can we expect others to?

Love,

Anonymous

Sorry I've been gone so long

Greetings. 

I am sorry I have been away for so long. Part of me wants to tell you I was off doing something cool and exciting, but I cannot lie to the people reading this blog. I have been struggling with life. In particular, with my qualifier, my self belief and my faith. A little after my last message, my qualifier fell back again, and it was at that point I decided I was done (Yes, I have said that before, as we all have)

I needed to take time away from this blog to realize what was important. I needed to get perspective back as to why I started writing this blog in the first place. I wanted to reach out to the very people going through what I was going through. I needed to let people know they were not alone. Before I could continue to do this, I needed to remind myself how far I had come, and that I was not defined by the disease.

In this break I have taken, I have stopped calling myself names (Fat, Ugly, Useless) and I have started to see the positives (if there are any..) of dealing with an addict. In hindsight, I am the person I am today after going through what I did.. and you are too!

Again, I am sorry I dropped off the planet of blogging, but if anything I needed to get my head straight, something that with a bit of time, I have finally been able to do. 

Will post more tomorrow. 

All the love

Anonymous

P.S: Happy to be back!! :) x

Revelation- Watch this space!

I've recently had a bit of a revelation these past few weeks. People tell me I'm "growing up" I prefer to say I'm gaining wisdom through my experiences. 


I am going to start something big, new and exciting. 


Watch this space :)


And hold on to hope, never let it go, hope is what will help us all make it through! 

Redefine Yourself

Instead of being that person with a broken past, instead of thinking you are not worth the happiness in life based upon peoples words and actions, redefine yourself. You are worth redefining. Don't let alcohol or drugs be what keeps your from living life. What happened in the past will never change, but you can change your future by changing your mindset. 

"Losing sight of who you are is one of the most terrifying points in your life, whatever its cause. Do not become weak by slowly sinking into depression, but become stronger by redefining yourself as you wish. It is people that do the latter that often do great things." 

Live and Let Live

Usually, I get so consumed with what is going on around me in my life, that I forget to live my own life. Does this ever happen to you? (If you said yes, keep reading.. if not, I'm incredibly jealous..) 

Why is it that we let go of one thing, and at that very moment, there are about five more things for us to put ourselves into.. at least for me, I often forget I have to take care of me. This often leads to being incredibly disappointed and expecting everything to go wrong for me, to a point that I don't even care anymore. As you can tell, this is not a way to live, and perhaps, it's the way you have been doing things. To save ourselves from further disappointment we almost hide our own lives away (I'm speaking purely out of my experience) and forget we even have one to live. I can't say how many times I have missed out on things because my circumstance made me too miserable to even consider having fun... I was too worried about making sure the other person was OK and looking after them first...!! This is so wrong, we need to learn to put ourselves first, to Live and Let Live, and to look forward to positive things. Personally, I don't let myself enjoy positive things the way I should because I expect them to go wrong like so many other things have. 

Just for today, Live and Let Live. Let go of everyone elses problems and worries, and focus on living your life to the fullest, and to enjoy the positives, because if you allow yourself too, you might find you had nothing to worry about in the first place. 

Love, 

Anonymous 

x

Help Somebody

If you've come across this site you probably are struggling with living with someone living with an addiction. When I say in the title 'Help Somebody' I don't mean helping people with an addiction and trying to fix them but what I mean is to help someone struggling with living with this addiction, and that people help you. I encourage you to talk to people you trust about the struggles of living with this disease. Helping other people out will also help put things into perspective for yourself as well as the people you speak to.

I have been so surprised with how much talking to others helps.
Take courage in this and practice it. I'll always be here

Love Anonymous
X

What hurts the most is realizing you can do nothing

I'm in a bit of a situation at the moment. I have always lived by the three C's (Cannot Cure it, Cannot Control it, Did not Cause it) however, I am at the stage where what is upsetting most is not when my qualifier drinks, but rather it's feeling so bad for them because you know that they can only help themselves. In a way, I actually feel a bit useless. 

While I am very keen to continue on with life, and as I've been told "you don't owe anyone anything, you owe yourself everything" I still can't quite let go. I know I have written about detachment and the importance of detaching with love... but I'll be honest, it is something I am so terrible at doing.. because I'll say "Yes, I am detaching, I love you but I need to work on me and you need to work on you" and a few days later I'm calling up, checking up, and helping out.. something I had vowed to stop doing. 

Then, suddenly I realized, I really can't do anything, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I can. And that, truly, is what hurts the most. 

Love, 

Anonymous 

You're not a victim unless you convince yourself you are

This has been a hard one for me to grasp.

Things happen to us every day (if you're lucky!) and somethings just suck. They are negative and upset us and bring our mood down. When something like this happens to me for example, I just get so overwhelmed and upset that it really does ruin my mood and puts me in a far worse one. Sometimes, I've found if I shrug my shoulders, say "oh well" and accept what has happened I can move on without naming myself a victim, stop feeling sorry for myself and continue on without giving it a second thought.

I think this is really difficult especially for children of addicts because this can be a feeling felt often, and getting over it or trying to triumph against it can be really hard, and if not gone about the right way can drag you down even more.

This following quote is taken from 'Courage to Change' (I really suggest ordering it...) and surprisingly the topic today is on this very subject, something I often struggle with.

"God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how" Henry Ward Beecher

So next time you are naming yourself a victim in any situation, make a decision in your mind if you are going to let it get to you and make you a victim, or if you are going to grab the situation by the horns and do something about it.

YOU can do it.

I'm doing it too.

Never alone,

Anonymous

Bring the JOY back into your life

Being in this position, someone with a loved one suffering addiction can sometimes take all the joy out of life. If you take me for example, I always expect the bottom to drop out of things and for life to go pear shaped again, not really ever expecting anything for the fear I would get my hopes up.

My main thought today was how (especially children of addicts) how we can get the joy back into our life, and how we can stop feeling like the world is against us? Personally, every time I'm about to get happy, it's almost an alarm that goes off that says "Oops, she's about to be happy, let's get her"

I reach out to my higher power constantly for guidance and strength. I do understand that not everyone has the same beliefs and that we each have our own, but I think it is necessary and important to confide in something or someone, and this helps put a little joy back into my life. I never really realized until I got older, how much of this disease, this addiction disease could really have on people.. and the older I am getting the more I realize that it has a huge impact and we have to start enjoying life and appreciating the good... or at least I do.

So today, pose this question to yourself. How can you bring joy back into your life, after being faced with such a difficult task in life. If anyone has any ideas I'm up for hearing them!

Loads of Love,

Anonymous

Everything is perfect, until it goes wrong

Sometimes I have to realize that life is not always perfect, nor is it meant to be, and sometimes we face big mountains of problems. Once we climb that mountain, we feel accomplished, until we realize we have to keep going. We can't just stop once we think something is finished. 

That's kind of how I've been feeling these past few weeks (hence no update-- apologies)

I thought everything was "back to normal" and I know I shouldn't use such words, but I did think everything was perfect, until it all went down the gutter about two weeks ago. Guess what, my qualifier has relapsed, only this time it's conveniently before a big visit for a family members birthday in a few weeks. 

Today I was I at work. Minding my own business and getting bogged down with work when my phone rings, and for some reason I felt compelled to answer, even though thanks for caller id I already knew who it was. Can I say I was honestly surprised when I had a person yelling at me over the phone? No. Would I have been disappointed if it was a calm conversation? Yes. This might sound strange, however, I would have been happier had it be a conversation I had been expecting, rather than a nice one that only got my hopes up further.

So how do we, children, spouses, family and friends of addicts keep going when everything goes wrong? Personally, remembering the good does not do much, it only makes me more upset and long for change. Instead, even though it hurts, I have to see through the trials and accept them for what they are. I know if I keep my head on straight, and my nose out of their business one day they will see the light. I can only pray that the day comes soon. 

I suppose it is crucial for us not to loose hope when things go wrong-- and instead be optimistic that one day things will be better and be as "perfect" as they can be. 

I hope that day happens for you soon. 

Love,

Anonymous 

Habits

There are plenty of habits we as human beings learn throughout our lives that have an impact on our behaviors as we grow up. For children of alcoholics it's many things. Taking care of other people before you take care of yourself, becoming paranoid, anxious and closed off are just some habits attributed to this family disease.

As we become older it can be more difficult to break these bad habits and to bring them into our adult relationships. For myself the hardest habit that I constantly am trying to break is to stop being anxious in certain situations. For example: If I don't hear from someone within a certain time frame? I automatically think I've done something wrong. If someone looks upset, I automatically think I've made them upset (here's the kicker, usually I haven't seen them at all that day). These are all things that I have picked up from living the life I lived. It is not fault to my qualifier but of the nasty disease that is alcoholism. Alcohol has not only caused difficulties in my qualifiers life but mine as well.

This shows the importance of realizing you need to kick habits, to stop worrying, stop blaming yourself for others misery and just concentrate on yourself. When you bring these negative habits into your life it causes so many issues. I'm working through all of my issues slowly and I encourage you to do the same!

Don't let your bad habits from your past take control of everything you have to look forward to in the future.

Love,

Anonymous

Helpful Reminder

Their drunk is their drunk

Their reaction is their reaction

..................

Your reaction is your reaction

Love,
Anonymous x

Today...

Today I got in a fight. Of course with my qualifier. The context around it was:

"You don't know tough"

This really annoyed me. Not because I'm sitting here feeling sorry for the tough things I dealt with, but because my qualifier seems to be under the impression that I have it so easy. It was difficult for me to explain that in fact, I did not and that I had a lot of stuff going on as well. But, of course the conversation did a 180 and we just went back to talking about how they were feeling and how hard their life was. It is almost as though the tough things in life I went through were cancelled out and forgotten about, which annoyed me to death because they were things I had to learn to deal with and eventually learned from. If this conversation taught me anything, it would be that I am so sick to death of this type of behavior, and even more annoyed that it is being assumed my life is a slice of pie. 

Because our qualifiers are only focused on themselves and the struggles they are going through they assume they can stop everything in other peoples lives to bring the focus back to them. I have heard the famous apology we all hear, but today I was not having it. It's almost like a slap in the face hearing it so much. Then when my other parent was brought into the conversation and it turned into a he said/she said dilemma I had to finish the conversation. How much longer does one have to deal with this? For me, not much longer.  I told my qualifier I was sick and tired to trying to help and that I could no longer do it. 

I know that sounds like a broken record to some of you? Some of you might have said that over and over again, every day, every fight or conversation for the past 'X' amount of years. Well today when I said it I meant it... so hopefully that will be that. I hope that if you are in a similar situation you have the ability to say "no more" and actually mean it.. because the next time we talk I will most likely take that back... I hope you don't make the same mistake. 

Love always, 

Anonymous 

"Fixer" is not in your job description

Alcoholism NEVER ceases to amaze me... and not in a good way.

There is something so disturbing about how it gets into someone's head and turns them into a completely different person. I was convinced everything was fine this week, but it was not. Clearly something is wrong with my qualifier if this keeps happening after all those years of sobriety. All I want to do is be a detective and poke around until I can figure out the problem once and for all by myself. Sadly, I can't do that, because it's unfair on me. This all comes back for being unable to fix problems. I was convinced the past few times have had something to do with me, because it seems to happen whenever I see her. Then I find myself being a crazy person slapping my head repeating "This is not your fault, get over it". I have a ton of metaphorical bruises from saying that over and over again.

Why does this happen?

NO idea. I'm sure if I had a 100% assurance that the reason for person A was the same as B, E, H or R I would be making a ton of money. No one knows why, and while we can educate ourselves, we cannot try to educate ourself to become a fixer. You were not put on this planet to be a FIXER. You were put on this planet to live your own life, not that of someone else. I know it gets very repetitive but it is so crucial to understand that you need to break away, lead your own life and do it with a smile.

When I was home? There was nothing I could do or say. No matter how many times I made a scene and asked to either spend time or just said "Please Stop" nothing really did it.

I hope that we can all learn to see through this disease and lovingly detach. It's too hard to cure, and no good comes from our attempts, we only wear ourselves down further.

This is something we NEED to change.

All the best,

Anonyumous

Relax!

"Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometimes, I will try to get a better perspective of my life"

We all need to learn to take time for ourselves and focus on us. Previously I focused on the importance of being selfish sometimes. If there is one thing I recently learned, it is that I cannot take care of anyone else no matter how much effort I put in. At the end of the day, other people need to take care of themselves, because when you're rushing around fixing everyone else, who is there helping you?

Also, note the Just for today prayer says "I will try to get a better perspective of my life."

Not your addicts life, not how to fix them, or make them change their mind about their ways, but focus on how you can help yourself in the situation you are in. I cannot tell you how much of a difference that has made in my life. If I just relax I can do so much more than if I am manically running around and stressed. Yes, Alcoholics make us stressed out, and yes it is true that we spend more time worried about them then we do about our selves, but don't you think it is time that this changed?

You deserve all the happiness in the world!

Love, 

Anonymous

Codependency

In two words: Not Good

If we live with an addict is is easy to become codependent. You can become controlling, bossy, withdrawn from feelings the list goes on... but how can we break away from it? It is almost inevitable to become this way you're living with an addict, so how do you stop it?

A few years ago I started dating someone that was clearly not right for me. It was obvious he had a problem, but I saw straight past it and didn't give it a second thought (I also thought I could fix him, and that was hardly going to work was it?) Little did I know I was becoming codependent on people with additions, because being with someone battling something so strong was all I knew. When I found out what he actually was doing, and ended the relationship right away, I wasn't sad about loosing him, I was more upset that he was one more person that I failed at fixing (which in retrospect, that's pretty sick) I can't be dependent on other persons addiction to give me self worth, and I can't think any less of myself because I didn't manage to bring someone out of their addiction, or for that matter control the situation. 

Last but not least, I only tried to fix this person, and my qualifier as well, because I wanted to be thanked for something. No matter what I did I never got any recognition and that made me upset. The more I think about it, I would rather had not even tried, because at the end of the day it wasn't worth the struggle and nothing good came from it, but feeling more down on myself for not being able to fix them. 

All my love,

Anonymous

P.S For those of you who celebrate, Happy Easter x

YOU didn't set it off

I know in my own experience, I was really concerned with my behavior setting off my qualifier. I was worried that every word I said, every thing I did would end up resulting in a battle against the booze. I used to tiptoe, be so careful where I tread, in case I broke through thin ice and started something I wish I hadn't of. Then I grew up, and realized that hey, in fact, nothing I did or didn't do was going to keep my addict from doing what they wanted. No matter if I started an argument, told them how I really felt, did something wrong, it was never my fault, and it was unfair to blame myself. 

We can't walk through life so carefully. Sometimes we mess up and do silly things, but we always have to remember that when an addict drinks/drugs or does whatever, it is nothing that we did to make them do it. Manipulation can be a very strong thing, and if we are careful to realize and see around us what is going on, we can easily blame ourselves and ruin our own opinion of ourselves because we think we did something wrong. If someone wants to drink they will, it is just easier to blame a loved one rather than them seeking the truth for themselves. 

A few weeks ago I mentioned the 3 C's, and if I wasn't so afraid of needles I would probably get this tattooed because it is SO important to remind yourself of this everyday. When you wake up in the morning say the following:

"I did not cause my qualifier to (         ) I cannot control them and I cannot cure them. I am my own person, and not responsible for what they want to do with their own life. I need to detach lovingly, that way helping them to learn as well as being selfish and helping myself."

Don't forget you are not to blame! It's so easy to make yourself sick worrying and blaming yourself, but when you realize you did not set off the problem, and you are just being used as an excuse to cover up something else, then you can let go and take one day at a time working on YOU! 

Love always, 

Anonymous 

Goodbye Negativity!

Sometimes when people are drunk they say things.  Sometimes it can be really mean things that really upset us and make us think worse of ourselves. Sometimes, they don't even have to be drunk (so much worse!!) Something I have to constantly remind myself is that, in fact, NONE OF IT IS TRUE! That took me ages to figure out. When people say negative things about me, I simply have to ignore it. By letting it get to you and upset you, it harms not helps. 

I was on twitter and found the following (and instantly fell in love with it). It may not be applicable exactly to your situation, but it is a very good thing to keep in mind, especially, I've found, when people always question you about your circumstance:

"Love me? Great. Hate me? Even better. Think I'm ugly? Don't look at me. Don't know me? Don't judge me. Think you know me? You have no idea."

When I was in school, people used to ask me why I was this, why I was that, and it got really frustrating! I couldn't exactly say to everyone "Listen, I live with an addict and that is why I am the way I am so back off"... and then I'd get people just being horrible because they didn't understand. The only people I felt comfortable with were the people I knew were experiencing the same as me. No judgements. No questions. Just there. 

Never let people make your feel differently about yourself. You can't let negative words ruin your life.. You need to keep positive! Don't let an addicts life make you negative about yourself either. This is your time to step out break away from all the negative thoughts, spoken to you by addicts and non-addicts alike. 

Love,

Anonymous

Defined by Alcoholism

Why do we let our past experiences label who we are? For a long time I have believed I would forever labeled the daughter of an alcoholic. How wrong I am! It has taken years but I have started to realize that I am my own person and I cannot let past experiences have a hold on who I am today. Don’t let circumstance define you.

As you may know from your own experiences I have lived with self-doubt and confidence issues. I think it is inevitable given the circumstance, however I cannot let it take control of me! There comes a time where we need to leave out past in the past and work on today and know our tomorrows will be better. Slowly I am working on my issues and becoming a more confident person in myself, something I encourage you to do if you are struggling with this issue as well. When you learn to let go of that ‘stuff’ and you let yourself shine it’s amazing how much better you will feel, and people will notice!

Don’t let yourself be labeled as a child or a parent or a spouse, or a friend/sibling of an alcoholic but rather be YOU. Have the courage to change you for the better… I promise you won’t be disappointed!!

Love,

Anonymous

Here's a story

My qualifier had been clean for awhile before their slip. When I first found out, I was devastated. When I saw it for myself, I was even worse. I think it was so much easier for me to hear about it over the phone, rather then be faced with the problem head on. It brought me back to all of those problems I thought were over and done with. 

What this taught me most, was that we never escape this disease! Ever! I thought years later I was done dealing with all that cr@p when really.. I can't escape it! That is why, I cannot stress enough the importance of having a support group. I used to get SO embarrassed by my situation. I used to lie to people, pretend it wasn't happening, or make excuses for behavior I shouldn't have been excusing. By getting so embarrassed, it took me some time to want to open up to people. I kept thinking "They are going to think my situation is so weird, or that my family is really messed up or that I'm overreacting and making it a bigger deal than it is.. or what if I'm the only one dealing with this" over and over I thought this. Then, I got the courage to open up, to tell people and to be honest. That support I had and continue to have means the absolute world to me, because it is those people who sat with me, cried with me and helped me get through the hard times. 

This time, when my qualifier slipped, I had no problem getting on the phone, and I didn't let my pride get the best of me. I realized that even though I don't like it, I am always going to be dealing with this, whether with my qualifier or another one, and that I have to learn to lean on people and ask people for help when needed. 

Never be embarrassed. Always ask for support or just a shoulder to lean on in the tough times. 

You can always email me at wisdomtoknowthedifference2011@gmail.com if you need to vent and write out your feelings. 

Love you lots! 

Anonymous 

Just for Today-- Be Happy!!

Abraham Lincoln "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be"

It can be so easy to let our situation get the better of us, and so easy to let it bring us down. We have to do ourself a favor and not let that happen! This week, I have had many things to be annoyed or upset about, and for a while, I was, until I remembered that if I just make myself happy, despite the tough situation I'm faced with, it will all be OK. 

Some people say that happiness is in fact overrated. I don't believe this. I believe we owe it to ourselves to be happy and to love life no matter the consequences. I spent a lot of time in the past being upset, crying and for what? I just ended up more upset and went through more boxes of tissues for a disease I could do nothing about. If I had just looked after myself FIRST before even considering worrying about things I'd find out I had no control over anyway I would have saved a lot of agony.

Recently, my qualifier has a slip. Did I get a bit teary? Of course. Did I spend all day crying and feeling sorry for myself (something a few years ago I would have done?) No. I shook it off, realized I was my own person, my happiness was what was important and I moved on with my day. Harsh? Maybe. But what's worse? Making yourself miserable and ruining your day over something you have no say in, or moving on with your day and seeing the the good out of a bad situation. I personally would go with the second option :)

Find the little things in life that make you happy. For example, when I walk through the park, and I'm feeling a bit down, I look at the birds, the ducks, the sky, the flowers blooming and listen to nature and realize that life really is not all that bad. I thank my higher power for the day, for my support group and for my family.
Just for today, find joy and comfort in the little things, and try to make yourself happier. Like Lincoln said, if you tell your mind you will be happy no matter the circumstance, then so be it!!

All the love in the world, 

Anonymous

Step One

'We admitted we were powerless against alcohol- that our lives have become unmanageable" 

The first step to your recovery as a family member, or friend of an alcoholic is to admit that you are struggling and that no matter how hard you try you remain powerless against alcohol. This is important for the addict to realize, but equally important for yourself as well. 

Sometimes we just need to realize that we can never win. I have heard stories for addicts being clean for 30+ years and then falling back into it again. As people living with addicts, we need to realize that no matter how much we try, we can't cure (think of the 3 C's!) because we'll never be able to beat the drug, no matter what it will always win. All we can do is support (detach lovingly) and accept. Like I've said before, sometimes, it is OK to be selfish. 

Love, 

Anonymous 

Manipulation

Definition: The Art of Manipulating 

(thanks dictionary, thats a big help)

So, I'm pretty used to be manipulated, which is a sad thing to admit. Recently I got in an argument with my qualifier, and was told that I don't ever ask them how they are doing. I'm sorry.. WHAT?! I know you are probably relating this to your own situation and thinking the same exact thing. Since when does babying your addict supposed to be your JOB!? I spent years and I finally put my foot down and said enough is enough... I mean, thats nuts, and the best part.. this was a sober conversation (which for me is almost worse)! 

A long time ago I decided I was not going to be manipulated and was not going to made to feel bad for something that had nothing to do with me. I won't lie and said I decided this in a day, because years later I am still dealing with it, but one day at a time remember that you are not responsible for someone's issues. 

My steps to not being manipulated:

- Say No, No, No and No

- Detach lovingly 

- Don't give in

- Remind them that they are not your employer, it is not your responsibility 

- Tell yourself you are the most important thing (sometimes it's good to be a little selfish)

Love, 

Anonymous 

Encouragement for Today

I just read this in one of my favorite books 'Courage to Change' and todays reading really speaks to me, and I would like to share it with you:

Page 89: March 29

"It's time I started being nice to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough do not speak the truth;t they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results form living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen! Al-Anon recovery has give me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish. Today's Reminder: Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly."

Hope this encourages you, and with that,

All my Love,

Anonymous 

Stand Up!!

I am in the middle of learning a huge lesson about myself, and I wanted to share it with all of you. As those who have lived with an addict will know what I'm talking about in a second. 

There is someone I have to be very blunt with, but, because of my self confidence issues from the past, I am unable to be straight up, and I'm not doing myself any favors. When I was younger and I used to try and resolve a conflict (I am a very non-confrontational person) I just let the other person walk all over me, and it's not fair to me who goes through the pain, and the other person for not being open and honest. How can we expect people to know how we are feeling without telling them?

So, the lesson I am learning is how to stand up for yourself... how do you do it? I sometimes think that I'm a mean person for doing it, and time and time again I remind myself that is not the case, the only person I'm being mean too is myself. 

When someone needs to be spoken too, or when you need to resolve something, how do you let past behaviors affect your future decisions? When I was younger and living with my addict, it was so easy for me to just sit back and not stand up for myself, and now that I am older, I am seeing how much of a problem this is. If I can encourage you with one thing, it would to be break that habit. Know there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, and nothing wrong with telling people how you really feel, and you won't get punished for it either. 

Lots of love, 
Anonymous 

Some Food for Thought

A reminder from 'Courage to Change' (P 83)
"They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then more on, leaving the pain behind me." 
Don't forget it!
Love, 
Anonymous 

Hardships of Love

Love can be a very touchy subject.

A friend today asked me if I still loved my mum. I think I spent so much time resenting her behavior (not her, her behavior.. important!) that I never really took much time to tell her I loved her. Of course she knows I do, but after recent events, I don't think I have made it as clear as I should have, and that might be something I regret. 

Do you have this problem sometimes? It can be so hard, and frustrating and confusing so love someone that frankly makes your life a living hell. Besides the obvious "She's my mum, I'll always love her" I really do love her from the bottom of my heart. She had a hard time growing up, things are going on her life that I know nothing about, but no matter what, I am always going to love her.

That goes hand in hand with my recent post on detachment, and how to do so lovingly. Lately, I have had to totally detach, something that breaks my heart, but there is nothing I can do that will benefit both of us, and no matter how hard for me, I need to help her by leaving her figure it out on her own, while still letting her know how much I love her. 

This is not the hardest part however. The hardest part is learning to love yourself, to not blame yourself, and to learn that you deserve all the love in the world no matter your circumstance. And, sometimes, by loving others, we learn to love and treat ourselves well. 

Keep on loving, and most importantly, love yourself. 

All MY love,

Anonymous

Reconcile

Do you find this as hard as I do?

My qualifier has gotten her act together (again) and thinks things should just go back to normal. So, since speaking with her, she has mentioned nothing about her fallback, and goes along acting like everything is OK. Well it's not!! It's almost as though we always have to spell it out for people. Yes, I forgive you, and Yes 'XYZ' but that does not mean I can just go on and pretend like nothing happened.

So we continued our phone conversation, I'm prolonging it as much as possible just for that glint of hope that she will mention something. Not. One. Thing. So imagine how mad I am? And then I get accused to being moody and it's just a fight waiting to happen.

Is it so much to ask that I just want some closure? That I just want her to admit that she has hurt me. Well, in the case of alcoholism, of course it is.

I hope that whatever type of reconciliation you are trying to accomplish is not proving to be impossible. Sometimes we just can't move on if we don't hear it from the other side. I'm just learning now, that I might never not hear it, and I have to be OK with it.

Love,

Anonymous

Everybody's Bruising

As I looked around today, I noticed, so many people are heartbroken. So many people are going through hard times, and feel like no one around gets them.

Most of high school I went around feeling so alone (then again, don't most young people?) But being a child, or a friend of an addict, places such an unfair burden. I spent a lot of taking care of my alcoholic parent, which I didn't mind doing, because I loved her and she means the world to me. However, I did not realize what that was doing to me, how taking care of her was taking away from my own recovery. The one thing I learned that really matters is that you need to take care of YOU first, something a good friend beat into my head until finally, years later I got the hang of it.

I also learned, that it is OK to walk away from situations, if your best interest is not in it, don't go there! Don't hurt yourself in the end based on someone elses behavior, it is simply not worth all the hurt!

So today, think about this. Everyone is hurting, but you can stop that pattern by letting yourself not get hurt.. do not try to fix an addict as you cannot do it. Do not try to make sense of the disease, because you will drive yourself crazy. Just step away from the problem.. detaching LOVINGLY and life will be so much easier to handle.

Keep on going through life, if you are in any way blaming yourself, chances are you are being too hard on yourself. Take a step back, take a break, relax and get back to taking care of you, not other peoples needs. Today, I encourage you to make yourself your first and only priority.

All the love in the world,

Anonymous

P.S I can't credit for that title unfortunately because it is absolutely brilliant. The thanks can go to Jessie J (please, listen to the lyrics of this song, I won't go as far as saying it changed my life, but pretty darn close)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmVIiFTQYuM&feature=related

Just for today

I have this bookmark titled 'Just for today' and something that stuck out to me was 'Just for today I will be unafraid... I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me'

Life sucks sometimes. Really, I won't sugar coat it. Something that always stuck with me was an interview Jennifer Aniston had after splitting with her husband where she said "Life is tough, get a helmet." (I'm still looking for a helmet that is durable enough..!) Life can be cruel and unfair, but can also be beautiful and supportive. Sometimes when I am mad at my circumstance, and thinking that my life is totally unfair and repeating over and over 'Why me...' I sometimes just need to look around to see how lucky I truly am. 

Yes, I have had a bad past, yes some things in my life have made it difficult to move on from that comfortable feeling of pity and upset, but life is good. I encourage you to look at the grand scheme of things and put things into perspective. Yes, life is tough, God only knows I know that all too well, but, once I step back and look to my surroundings, the friends in my life, my support groups, my family and the good things I have going for me, I'm able to get through a lot more if I had not taken a step back. 

Today I had an awful day, but once I took that step back, just for today (that moment even) I was able to appreciate the good things in my life, and I know that things, will work out one way or another. Just for today, I encourage you to look at all the positive things in your life, and not to let the negative affect you and make you afraid.. of anything. 

Love,

Anonymous

Detachment

de·tach·ment

To detach from something is to no longer be involved. When we say- "I need to detach from an Alcoholic" What does that actually mean? The following quote is taken from 'Courage to Change' (p.72) which further explains this concept:

"Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do,say,or feel to determine my own well-being or make my own decisions" 

This is one of that hardest things for me to grasp. Attempting to detach from a situation while still loving them is even harder. Many say, that detaching means that you no longer love the person you are detaching from. This is simply incorrect. You in fact can detach from someone with love, but instead of trying to blame yourself,and fix the problem yourself, and essentially base your entire life around this addiction, you leave it to the addict to fix the problem, and you continue to love and support from a distance, without doing yourself any harm. 

Recently, I have been challenged by this concept. If I tell someone I'm not going to help fix them, but instead lovingly detach and let them figure it out--does that make me a bad person? Certainly not!! If anything I am saving myself from further hurt and anger down the road. At the end of the day, if the person wants to drink or drug they will. Once we learn that there is nothing we can do, we can lovingly detach and continue to support but stop trying to cure, and while doing that, we in turn can turn the focus onto our lives.

In a program I was involved in we learned the value and importance of the 3 C's:

I did not cause it

I cannot control it

And I cannot cure it

Next time you are in a situation where you feel almost obligated to pull your loved one out of their addiction, remember the 3 C's. Just because you detach does not mean you do not love them any less, it just means you have realized the importance of taking care of yourself and your feelings. Don't let the rest of your life be determined by this problem, but instead use it to grow. 

Love,

Anonymous 

Never Alone

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

If you are reading this, perhaps you have reached the end of your rope. Perhaps, there is someone in your life that is struggling with an addiction, and, now you too are feeling the effects. Trust me when I say this, you are not alone. 

I am not a Doctor, Therapist or Psychologist, nor have I extensively studied addictions, or even began to wrap my head around them. However, I am a real person that has lived through life with an addict. I have been where you have been, at times in my life I have feel let down, hurt, backstabbed, abandoned, neglected, abused, guilty, pathetic, unloved and unwanted. I know what it's like to try so hard to cure someone, and to get it thrown in your face all the time. I also know that there are times where we feel as though no one understands how we are feeling, how could anyone truly know, but-- if there is something we who experience this all share, it's similar feelings. 

My story might be similar to yours, or it might be completely different. I grew up in a household with an Alcoholic. I cannot count the amount of times I tried to reason, I tried to 'preach' and I tried to convince. I cannot count the amount of times I cried, or the amount of times I felt betrayed. I love my Mother with all my being, a kind and loving woman. I think the most important thing we have to realize is the person who is under the influence of drugs and alcohol, is not the same person we know to be, which is probably the hardest thing of all to accept, I know I could never accept that until recently. I have gone through hell and back, watched my family disintegrate, only to watch it mend itself and then break again. I have moved, lived out of a suitcase and felt terribly alone, even with loving people supporting me. What helped me most was reaching out. Talking to people who were going through similar things and sharing experiences. Through hearing other people, and reading other peoples stories, I have realized I am not alone, that I do not need to go at this alone and that there are many people going through the same thing who can encourage me, and for me to do the same.

Throughout this blog, I will share my experiences and hopes. I do this in hopes that you will find something to help you and make you feel better. 

And do not forget- you are never alone. No matter your circumstance, you are never alone. 

Love, 

Anonymous